IMDB Rating: 2.4/10
MPAA Rating: R
Running Time: 2:01
Cast
| Ben Affleck | Larry Gigli | |
| Lenny Venito | Louis | Justin Bartha | Brian | Jennifer Lopez | Ricki | Christopher Walken | Det. Stanley Jacobellis | Al Pacino | Starkman | Melissa Lahlita Crider | Robin |
| Director: | Martin Brest | Writers: | Martin Brest (written by) |
| Film Editing: | Julie Monroe | |
| Billy Weber |
“Synopsis”:
A lowly thug, Gigli, is assigned to kidnap the psychologically challenged younger brother of a powerful federal prosecutor to save his mobster boss from incarceration. Staked-out in his one-bedroom apartment with his kidnap victim, Brian, Gigli soon realizes that what he thought would be a routine assignment soon becomes a tumultuous task. Ricki, a gorgeous, free-spirited female gangster is sent to assist Gigli with the kidnapping because his boss does not think that Gigli is up to the job. But when his feelings for the decidedly unavailable Ricki begin to grow, and he actually becomes concerned for Brian, tough guy Gigli begins to transform into an actual human being...which considering his profession could be a very dangerous occupation.
From IMDB
What This Movie Was Actually About:
Gigli is actually a story about how it only takes two people not doing their job to fuck up an entire movie. It's also about how moviegoers and the media blow things way out of proportion.
On paper this should have been a really good movie - an ensemble comedy for the ages. You've got Ben Affleck (who I actually think is a decent comedic actor), Jennifer Lopez (who is Mexican), The Great Christopher Walken, and the always over-acting-in-a-good-way Al Pacino. That sounds good, I'll have that. Unfortunately, two people decided to fuck this movie up. Those two people were the editors, Julie Monroe and Billy Weber.
Now, the first half of the movie was pretty solid. It has so many things that I love to see in movies such as Ben Affleck yelling at retards and Christopher Walken talking. Despite what you may have heard, this movie has quite a few genuinely funny scenes. If you don't believe me, just watch this clip of Chris Walken being all Chris Walkeny:
Trust me, there's more where that came from. However, around the halfway point (this is a two hour movie), the shitty plot intersects with the editors' lack of editing and the movie is almost unbearable. It's just scene after scene of Justin Bartha unconvincingly playing a retard (whilst reciting rap lyrics) and Affleck being all "BABE I LOVE YOU BUT YOU ARE A RUG-MUNCHING DYKE AND IT'S TEARING UP MY HEART WHEN I'M WITH YOU". As you can imagine, it wears one's patience pretty thin in a matter of minutes. Had Julie Monroe and Billy Weber done their fucking job, this movie would have been 90 minutes tops and it probably would have been a solid 7 out of 10 as far as big-budget Hollywood comedies go - but they didn't and for that I curse their fucking hearts.
As I previously stated, this movie is also about how shit gets blown out of proportion. I remember when this movie was in theaters; people were talking about how horrible it was and comparing things to Gigli became everyone's goto joke whether or not they had actually seen the movie. Nine years later, I watched Gigli and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected based on critical response. This shit pisses me off. Maybe it's a bit of movie elitism on my part, maybe most people just haven't actually seen more than 10 movies in their life, or maybe people don't know how to be descriptive without using hyperbole, but this movie is not that fucking bad. I'm tired of hearing about how Hostel is the "goriest movie ever" or how Gigli is the "worst movie ever". If you are a person who says these sort of things, you definitely have not seen very many movies or you're a melodramatic cunt. Go watch Da Hip Hop Witch, then shut the fuck up and quit ruining conversations.
2 Reasons This Movie Sucked
Reason #1:
This scene:
This scene really pissed me off for two reasons. Obviously, Justin Bartha saying the lyrics to Baby Got Back while he simultaneously goes full-retard is one of them. The other reason this scene pissed me off is because it messed with my very delicate and odd suspension of disbelief. Ok, I'm willing to believe that Ben Affleck is some sort of badass mafioso type that kidnaps retards with reckless abandon. I'm willing to believe that Justin Bartha, despite his horrible acting, is retarded (c'mon just look at the fucking guy, he looks like a mongoloid). I'm even willing to believe that Jenny From The Block and Daredevil somehow snuck a waterhead into a morgue, but what I am not willing to believe is that a cadaver's thumb can be cut off with a fucking plastic knife. Are you serious? What were they thinking when they filmed this scene? The whole cadaver-plastic-knife-paradox could have easily been avoided by having Fleck pull a knife out of his jacket or even finding a bone saw somewhere in the morgue, but alas, he instead just uses a plastic knife. This is how I know all screenwriters are gay. They never get the rules to sports right in sports movies and apparently they think you can cut off someone's thumb with a plastic knife.
Reason #2:
Jennifer Lopez
She get's way too much credit for being hot. We get it, you have a huge ass. That doesn't make your face any more appeasing or your breasts any more heaving. There's also a scene where she talks about how everything begins and ends with vaginas and it's gross. It completely detracts from the speech Affleck gives about penises. Also she's in a really shitty Fiat commercial.
2 Things I Liked About This Movie
Thing #1:
Ben Affleck yelling at a retard
I wish I had seen this movie when it came out in '03. If I had seen Gigli in 2003 I would have known that it was still kosher to yell at retards - but I didn't see it. I've wasted 9 years worth of opportunities to yell at them because I was under the impression that doing so was considered politically incorrect. Thank you Ben Affleck, for showing me the error of my way; never again will I squander an opportunity to berate someone for being handicapped.
Thing #2:
Broke-ass Jim Breuer
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Every time I saw Lenny Venito in this movie the only thing I could think of is how he looked like a fatter, Italianer version of Jim Breuer, which added a little extra sliver of entertainment value. Thank you Broke-ass Jim Breuer for distracting me from how shitty the rest of the movie was. Fully.
The Point At Which Most People Would Stop Watching:
I don't think that this movie has one of those points. The first hour is pretty decent and once the movie really starts to go south you've already invested too much in it to stop watching. I came pretty close to turning this movie off towards the very end. It's one of those movies that you keep thinking is going to end but never does and by about the 10th minute of watching Justin Bartha walk aimlessly on a beach I was ready call it quits.
My Rating:
So far, this was by far the best movie I've seen out of IMDB's Bottom 100. Does it deserve to be there? Fuck no. It has some redeeming qualities and if none of Larry The Cable Guy's movies are in the Bottom 100, than Gigli sure-as-shit shouldn't be there either. It has its flaws, but it's not that bad. From this moment on, I will not respect the opinion of anyone who describes Gigli as being terrible. If you think this is a terrible movie, you probably really like Requiem For A Dream, in which case you should probably go fuck yourself. Yelling at retards is funny and Darren Aronofsky is not an auteur - get over yourself.