IMDB Rating: 2.5/10
MPAA Rating: PG
Running Time: 1:33
Cast
| Shaquille O'Neal | Kazaam | |
| Francis Capra | Maxwell "Max" Connor | Ally Walker | Alice Connor | James Acheson | Nick Matteo | John Costelloe | Travis O'Neil | Marshall Manesh | Malik | Fawn Reed | Asia Moon |
| Director: | Paul M. Glaser | Writers: | Paul M. Glaser (story) |
| Christian Ford (screenplay) | ||
| Roger Soffer (screenplay) |
“Synopsis”:
Being a lone young boy in the 'hood" is dangerous and unpleasant. This is what Max experiences when he fools a gang of local toughs who cornered him at school. The gang finds out that the key he gave them is of no value in committing a robbery, and they chase him through the streets of his neighborhood, bent on revenge. He tries to escape by slipping into the open door of an old warehouse, but they follow him there, too. While running from them through aisles filled with all kinds of stuff, he bumps into an old boom box. By doing that, he manages to release Kazaam, a genie who has been held captive for thousands of years. In order to stay free, Kazaam must give Max three wishes.
From IMDB
2 Reasons This Movie Sucked
Reason #1:
Reason #2:
Snaggletooth.
Now, before I go into the minutia of why this kid sucks in the movie, I feel that it is necessary to talk about The Tooth. Seriously, what the fuck? This kid is fucking hideous. You know when you see someone who is horribly grotesque or has Down syndrome and you know you’re not supposed to stare but you do it anyway? THAT’S WHAT THIS ENTIRE MOVIE IS LIKE. But unlike when you see the cripple at Wal-Mart, you don’t have the option of walking to the next aisle over and forgetting about what you saw - this kid’s disability is mocking you for 93 minutes and there isn't a goddamn thing you can do about it. Seriously... the fuck?
Anyways, Snaggletooth plays the main character, Max. He’s your typical tweenager in a 90’s movie: long hair, sleeveless jacket, Reebok hi-tops, etc. You know the type. He’s the kind of kid that makes lame jokes and dishes out horrible insults. The kind of kid that ties jackets around his waist and says things like “I know you are, but what am I?” The kind of kid that is simultaneously the most popular and most bullied kid at his school. The kind of kid that has problems at home. You know, a 90’s kid.
The aforementioned “problems at home” consist of:
- A loving and somewhat do-able mother.
- A father who ran off over a decade ago because (as his mom explains to him) “sometimes things just don’t work out.”
- A soon-to-be-stepfather named Travis that is a fireman and all-around nice guy.
- A sweet fucking room where he gets to work on his bicycle.
Doesn’t sound all that bad right? The truth of the matter is that while the writers wanted to portray Max as a kid who had problems at home, the only real problem at home was Max. Seriously, there are numerous scenes that consist of his mom doing something super kickass like giving him glasses of orange juice or making him chocolate-chip peanut butter French toast. Max’s go-to response for such transgressions was essentially “FUCK YOU MOM, YOU FUCKING CUNT,” which was inevitably followed by Max storming off into his palace of a room and crying.
Scene Breakdown:
After one of Max’s signature Tourettes-esque outbursts there is an exchange between Max and Travis that is pretty awkwardly scripted but I feel it is the scene that best demonstrates why Max sucks so hard (skip to 4:45 in the video):
“Wow, that’s really great, you finished it!”
Now, most people would just watch this scene, take it at face value and move on. I can’t allow myself to let the intricacies of this scene go unnoticed so let me break it down for you – let me show you how this is a perfect example of how Max has no problems at home and why he is worthless as a human being.
- Max’s Lack of Problems at Home
- The “it” that Travis refers to in the scene is a sheet with holes cut in it that is nailed to the ceiling in order to create the illusion of a starry night in Max’s bedroom. Travis, the guy who Max thinks is a total dick, is complimenting something that Max made. How the fuck is that a troubled home life? Somehow a clean-cut fireman wanting to be your new dad and telling you that your obviously shitty craftsmanship is “really great” and you treating him as if he were some sort of serial pedophile constitutes “problems at home”. Eat a dick Max, you snaggletoothed fuck.
- Max’s room is the cat’s pajamas. He gets to keep his bike in his room, he even gets to use tools to do maintenance on his bike in his room. That’s sweet no matter how you slice it. Also, did you see how much stuff he had in his room? I know I didn’t have all that shit when I was a kid and I damn sure didn’t have a lamp that turned on my ghetto blaster either. As if his room wasn’t enough, we later find out in the movie that he has an entire abandoned warehouse that he has turned into his own personal hang out. That’s right, an entire fucking warehouse.
- When Max discovers the whereabouts of his biological father and essentially meets him for the first time, it turns out that his dad isn’t some sort of raging alcoholic or womanizer but a successful club owner. So his real dad is rich, his almost-stepfather is a firefighter, and his mom makes him food all the time – problems at home indeed.
- Max’s Worthlessness as a Human Being
- When Travis is complimenting Max’s handiwork (i.e. cutting holes in a sheet and nailing it to the ceiling) he says “you finished it”. This seems to imply not only that Max has a tendency to not finish such grand endeavors (again I am referring to cutting holes in a sheet and nailing it to the ceiling) but also that it took a decent period of time for Max to complete such an undertaking. How fucking dumb is this kid that Travis feels compelled to congratulate him on what is essentially vandalism? What exactly did the projects that Max couldn’t finish consist of? What a utopia it must be to live the life of Max Conner. Everyone talks to him in a congratulatory tone as if he has cerebral palsy and kisses his ass 24/7 despite the fact that he is a worthless piece of snaggletoothed shit.
- Snaggletooth
2 Things I Liked About This Movie
Thing #1:
Thing #2:
The Point At Which Most People Would Stop Watching:
Most people won't even begin watching a movie like this. But if by some strange set of circumstances, you happen to convince a friend or significant other to watch Kazaam with you, I think I can pinpoint the moment that their tolerance of Shaq/Snaggletooth (Shaqletooth?) will reach critical mass. The moment I'm talking about comes roughly at 54:27. Watching this scene made me seriously question why I was watching this movie. Then I remembered the time I saw Rob Zombie's Halloween II and realized that I have stomached shittier movies than Kazaam and that this scene would all be over soon.
My Rating:
Look, obviously this movie isn't very good. It isn't the 100th worst movie of all time though, not by a long shot (especially on a list that doesn't include Rob Zombie's Halloween II). Sure, there are about 5 different scenes that exist solely to showcase Shaq's rapping abilities. And sure, Snaggletooth is one of the most macabre creatures I've ever seen. But was it really that bad? No. Surely this movie is only on IMDB's Bottom 100 because Shaq is in it and people like to shun what they once thought was awesome. I'm sure most of the people that gave this movie such low ratings are guys in their 20's that grew up loving this movie and now feel like they have to make up for it by constantly telling everyone how it's "the worst movie ever". It's like when people talk about how gay Pokemon is. You know you were into that shit, and the sooner you admit that, the sooner we can all go back to playing Pokemon. Fuck yeah.