They provide us with hours of entertainment. Whether it's waxing philosophical about Liam Neeson's throat chopping prowess or bitching about how horrible The Big Bang Theory is, this is the section of the site where you can become privy to our innermost thoughts on all things cinematic. Here is where you will discover our (and by extension your) opinions on which movies/shows are must-see and which are must-avoid (unless, like us, you have a penchant for masochism). We'll also be giving you the latest Movie/TV news as well as DVD/Blu Ray releases on the respective main pages for Movies and TV.
Sit back, grab some popcorn and learn why Chandler was the best Friend and why Phat Girlz is the worst movie ever.
A lowly thug, Gigli, is assigned to kidnap the psychologically challenged younger brother of a powerful federal prosecutor to save his mobster boss from incarceration. Staked-out in his one-bedroom apartment with his kidnap victim, Brian, Gigli soon realizes that what he thought would be a routine assignment soon becomes a tumultuous task. Ricki, a gorgeous, free-spirited female gangster is sent to assist Gigli with the kidnapping because his boss does not think that Gigli is up to the job. But when his feelings for the decidedly unavailable Ricki begin to grow, and he actually becomes concerned for Brian, tough guy Gigli begins to transform into an actual human being...which considering his profession could be a very dangerous occupation. From IMDB
What This Movie Was Actually About:
Gigli is actually a story about how it only takes two people not doing their job to fuck up an entire movie. It's also about how moviegoers and the media blow things way out of proportion.
On paper this should have been a really good movie - an ensemble comedy for the ages. You've got Ben Affleck (who I actually think is a decent comedic actor), Jennifer Lopez (who is Mexican), The Great Christopher Walken, and the always over-acting-in-a-good-way Al Pacino. That sounds good, I'll have that. Unfortunately, two people decided to fuck this movie up. Those two people were the editors, Julie Monroe and Billy Weber.
Now, the first half of the movie was pretty solid. It has so many things that I love to see in movies such as Ben Affleck yelling at retards and Christopher Walken talking. Despite what you may have heard, this movie has quite a few genuinely funny scenes. If you don't believe me, just watch this clip of Chris Walken being all Chris Walkeny:
Trust me, there's more where that came from. However, around the halfway point (this is a two hour movie), the shitty plot intersects with the editors' lack of editing and the movie is almost unbearable. It's just scene after scene of Justin Bartha unconvincingly playing a retard (whilst reciting rap lyrics) and Affleck being all "BABE I LOVE YOU BUT YOU ARE A RUG-MUNCHING DYKE AND IT'S TEARING UP MY HEART WHEN I'M WITH YOU". As you can imagine, it wears one's patience pretty thin in a matter of minutes. Had Julie Monroe and Billy Weber done their fucking job, this movie would have been 90 minutes tops and it probably would have been a solid 7 out of 10 as far as big-budget Hollywood comedies go - but they didn't and for that I curse their fucking hearts.
As I previously stated, this movie is also about how shit gets blown out of proportion. I remember when this movie was in theaters; people were talking about how horrible it was and comparing things to Gigli became everyone's goto joke whether or not they had actually seen the movie. Nine years later, I watched Gigli and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected based on critical response. This shit pisses me off. Maybe it's a bit of movie elitism on my part, maybe most people just haven't actually seen more than 10 movies in their life, or maybe people don't know how to be descriptive without using hyperbole, but this movie is not that fucking bad. I'm tired of hearing about how Hostel is the "goriest movie ever" or how Gigli is the "worst movie ever". If you are a person who says these sort of things, you definitely have not seen very many movies or you're a melodramatic cunt. Go watch Da Hip Hop Witch, then shut the fuck up and quit ruining conversations.
2 Reasons This Movie Sucked
Reason #1:
This scene:
This scene really pissed me off for two reasons. Obviously, Justin Bartha saying the lyrics to Baby Got Back while he simultaneously goes full-retard is one of them. The other reason this scene pissed me off is because it messed with my very delicate and odd suspension of disbelief. Ok, I'm willing to believe that Ben Affleck is some sort of badass mafioso type that kidnaps retards with reckless abandon. I'm willing to believe that Justin Bartha, despite his horrible acting, is retarded (c'mon just look at the fucking guy, he looks like a mongoloid). I'm even willing to believe that Jenny From The Block and Daredevil somehow snuck a waterhead into a morgue, but what I am not willing to believe is that a cadaver's thumb can be cut off with a fucking plastic knife. Are you serious? What were they thinking when they filmed this scene? The whole cadaver-plastic-knife-paradox could have easily been avoided by having Fleck pull a knife out of his jacket or even finding a bone saw somewhere in the morgue, but alas, he instead just uses a plastic knife. This is how I know all screenwriters are gay. They never get the rules to sports right in sports movies and apparently they think you can cut off someone's thumb with a plastic knife.
Reason #2:
Jennifer Lopez
She get's way too much credit for being hot. We get it, you have a huge ass. That doesn't make your face any more appeasing or your breasts any more heaving. There's also a scene where she talks about how everything begins and ends with vaginas and it's gross. It completely detracts from the speech Affleck gives about penises. Also she's in a really shitty Fiat commercial.
2 Things I Liked About This Movie
Thing #1:
Ben Affleck yelling at a retard
I wish I had seen this movie when it came out in '03. If I had seen Gigli in 2003 I would have known that it was still kosher to yell at retards - but I didn't see it. I've wasted 9 years worth of opportunities to yell at them because I was under the impression that doing so was considered politically incorrect. Thank you Ben Affleck, for showing me the error of my way; never again will I squander an opportunity to berate someone for being handicapped.
Thing #2:
Broke-ass Jim Breuer
Can you honestly tell which one of these pictures isn't Jim Breuer?
Every time I saw Lenny Venito in this movie the only thing I could think of is how he looked like a fatter, Italianer version of Jim Breuer, which added a little extra sliver of entertainment value. Thank you Broke-ass Jim Breuer for distracting me from how shitty the rest of the movie was. Fully.
The Point At Which Most People Would Stop Watching:
I don't think that this movie has one of those points. The first hour is pretty decent and once the movie really starts to go south you've already invested too much in it to stop watching. I came pretty close to turning this movie off towards the very end. It's one of those movies that you keep thinking is going to end but never does and by about the 10th minute of watching Justin Bartha walk aimlessly on a beach I was ready call it quits.
My Rating:
So far, this was by far the best movie I've seen out of IMDB's Bottom 100. Does it deserve to be there? Fuck no. It has some redeeming qualities and if none of Larry The Cable Guy's movies are in the Bottom 100, than Gigli sure-as-shit shouldn't be there either. It has its flaws, but it's not that bad. From this moment on, I will not respect the opinion of anyone who describes Gigli as being terrible. If you think this is a terrible movie, you probably really like Requiem For A Dream, in which case you should probably go fuck yourself. Yelling at retards is funny and Darren Aronofsky is not an auteur - get over yourself.
John flies over to Paris to find out his girlfriend Elizabeth. He finds a mysterious fashion designer named Lea and her assistant Claire, and it turns out that Lea was Elizabeth's friend in Paris. Lea says to John that Elizabeth married and moved away. The passion starts to appear between John and Lea, when Lea's business partner Vittorio tells John another version of Elizabeth's fate. From IMDB
What This Movie Was Actually About:
Hmm, well I don't know who wrote that plot summary for IMDB, but they clearly did not watch the same movie that I did. The best way I could describe Another Nine & a Half Weeks would be: Avante-garde softcore porn featuring Mickey Rourke.
I thought this movie wouldn't be that bad; it had several things going for it. First, Mickey Rourke is in it as the main character John Gray - not too shabby. When you combine that with the Mexecutioning abilities of Angie Everhart (Lea Calot) and a tit shot that comes a mere 2:47 into the movie, you have all the trappings of an epic tour de force. Sadly this was not the case.
The main problem with this movie is that it has absolutely no plot (maybe you would understand this movie if you had already seen 9 1/2 Weeks - I hadn't). Another Nine & a Half Weeks isn't so much a movie as it is a random collection of scenes of Mickey Rourke performing a series of increasingly awkward sex acts on Angie Everhart.
The movie starts off with Mickey Rourke caressing a woman's breast with a straight razor. Sounds awesome right? It was, but the movie got progressively worse from that point on. We then see a horse die for some reason and find out that Mickey Rourke has some infatuation with a lady by the name of Elizabeth McGraw. Throughout the entire movie he is trying to find her/find out what happened to her, but he doesn't try very hard and I'm still not sure what Elizabeth's relationship to Mickey Rourke was or why he was looking for her. The most information the audience ever gets about what is actually going on in the movie is this (skip to 3:25):
Seriously, that's all the information you ever get. So now that you've watched that, your understanding of this movie's plot is just as good as mine. Apparently Lea Calot was Elizabeth's best friend and she tells Mickey Rourke that Elizabeth got married and moved to Tangiers. Mickey Rourke is visibly upset by this and isn't sure whether or not he should believe it, but at the same time he doesn't seem to care that much and proceeds to nail Lea in various exotic locales for the next 45 minutes of the movie before he ever mentions Elizabeth again. About 3/4 of the way into the movie Lea's friend Vittorio (Steven Berkoff of Under The Cherry Moon fame) tells Mickey Rourke that Elizabeth died - again he doesn't seem to care all that much and sees this as an opportunity to fuck Angie Everhart some more. More awkward sex scenes follow, some girl named Claire gets punched in the face by some guy named Charlie, and after one final really awkward sex scene Mickey Rourke goes back to America. Roll credits.
2 Reasons This Movie Sucked
Reason #1:
This movie was directed by a woman.
See that picture? That's Angie Everhart, pretty nice eh? Well drink it in boys, 'cause you see more of her in that picture than you will throughout the entire duration of Another Nine & a Half Weeks.
Now what does this have to do with the fact that the movie was directed by a woman? Well, the problem isn't that Angie never gets naked in the movie. In fact, she gets naked all the time. The problem is that her body is constantly obscured by either some perfectly placed object or shitty directing. The entire movie is very poorly lit and thus you never get a decent view of Angie's goods. And that is why women should not direct movies.
I'm sure director Anne Goursaud is able to masturbate to Another Nine & a Half Weeks. It's "seductive" and "sensual" which are the last two words I would ever use to describe something I jack off to, but women go apeshit over that kind of stuff. Since women are largely talentless, when they want to convey that something is sexy or sensual they usually just don't show anything due to their asinine belief that implying sex is more erotic than showing it outright. Every time we should be getting a glorious view of some chick's dangly bits we are instead left squinting at the screen asking ourselves "was that a nipple?" It's just painful. Had this movie been directed by a man, it would have been much better. I wish Michael Bay had directed this movie. If Mike Bay had directed this movie, you can damn sure bet that we would have gotten a brightly-lit, screen-filling shot of Everhart's cans. The deleted scenes would include a clitoral close up that was glistening with passionate, computer-generated fluids - but let's not lament over what could have been.
To her credit, however, Ms. Goursaud achieved two major feats with her "directing" and in the spirit of giving credit where credit is due I feel I must share them with you:
Anne Goursaud's Directing Accomplishments In Another Nine & a Half Weeks
The First Reverse Strip-Tease In Cinematic History. I shit you not. There is a scene where Angie Everhart starts out naked and via some weird reverse strip-tease routine ends the scene dressed head to toe in Mickey Rourke's clothing. Even though the scene begins with her being naked, Anne Goursaud still finds a way to not let us see her nipples. It's quite ingenious.
Making Me Wish A Movie Had Been Directed By Michael Bay
Reason #2:
Awkward Sex Scenes
Although this is closely tied to Reason #1, I feel it merits its own section and will only further support the fact that women should not direct movies.
Scene Breakdown:
There is one scene that truly displays both the awkwardness of the sex scenes and the shittiness of the directing in Another Nine & a Half Weeks. Rather than post a video, I've taken it upon myself to excerpt just four frames that will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Anne Goursaud doesn't know what the fuck she is doing (excuse the poor quality and darkness of these pictures, that's how Anne Goursaud chose to shoot this and every other scene in the movie).
Exhibit A:
The scene starts off with Mickey Rourke showering Angie Everhart with lawn clippings. No, not just rose petals, lawn clippings. There are leaves, twigs, and possibly some grass in there as well. If you can't tell what's going on in this picture (and I'm sure you can't) Mickey Rourke is rubbing Angie's leg with a twig. Not exactly what I would call erotic, but hey, maybe that's just me. Maybe it's a completely new style that I just don't know about.
Exhibit B:
After about a minute or so of Mickey Rourke stroking Angie's poorly-lit goodness, we see this. It's too dark to tell, but I'm almost certain that the tuft of hair on the left part of the still is Everhart's bronze muff and Rourke is all up in that shit. Normally I would be ok with this, but Rourke doesn't ask for anything in return after braving her burgundy forest and that's both awkward and unrealistic. If I hadn't already told you, this would definitely tip you off to the fact that a woman directed this movie.
Exhibit C:
After The Wrestler gets his floss on, he begins to gleefully pour what appears to be Brer Rabbit Pure All-Natural Molasses all over her body. That's weird. Women might think it's erotic, but I as a man find it disgusting. I would never ruin my sheets just to get a lady's rocks off. But hey, that's women for you. A woman's idea of sexy is to have a man throw money away on her. I suppose one way of doing that would be for a man to destroy some 1000 thread count sheets just to give his lady an orgasm.
Exhibit D:
If all that wasn't enough, just when she is at the height of ecstasy, Angie starts sobbing. Uhhh, what? What is the audience's intended response to a scene such as this? Don't get me wrong, like any other red-blooded American man I try to incorporate tears into my sex life as often as possible but this scene makes absolutely no sense to me.
And that's not even the most awkward sex scene in the movie.
2 Things I Liked About This Movie
Thing #1:
Mickey Rourke constantly smoking.
Gotta love it when there is an actor who smokes in real life and decides that their character should be a smoker so they don't have to put out their cigarette when it's time to start filming.
Thing #2:
The Pure Moods-esque soundtrack that you've been listening to.
The Point At Which Most People Would Stop Watching:
It's very hard to pinpoint the particular moment at which someone would stop watching it. There isn't any one part that is worse than another. I think most people would stop watching this movie roughly around the 45 minute mark when they realize that they still don't know what the movie is about.
My Rating:
Meh. I wouldn't really consider this that bad of a movie, but then again I also wouldn't really consider it a movie. It has no narrative but it does have some nudity and therefore I can't hate on it too much. Mickey Rourke did a decent job with what he was given. I don't think this movie really belongs in the bottom 100. Although it's not good, it could have been much worse (see: Forgetting Sarah Marshall). This movie is probably only in the bottom 100 because apparently it's predecessor, 9 1/2 Weeks, is pretty highly regarded and people expected more out of its sequel. Well, that's no reason to give it such a low rating. Just because Carnosaur 2 wasn't as good as Carnosaur doesn't make it one of the worst movies of all time.
It is human nature to ascribe godlike powers to the heroes of yore. Without exception these man-gods are said to possess traits that even the most rational cannot so quickly dismiss, lest they be deemed a heretic. Tales of steel-driving men and dragon slayers radiate throughout each successive generation teaching us that we too can reach such daunting heights.
It is a cruel deceit - the rarified notion that we can all attain godhood. Nonetheless, it is a treachery we are all too willing to believe. We need to believe that greatness is forged through hard work, sacrifice, and missionary style coitus. We need to believe that there is more to life than working in accounts receivable.
The harrowing truth is that some men are cut from divine cloth; the rest of us are a hodge-podge of undesirable fabric, the kind of tatter that ends up as a patch on an AIDS quilt.
Because of this canard, our lives become the ultimate exercise in futility. Men everywhere fritter away their years trying to approximate the pantheon, but joining the Army does not make you Audie Murphy any more than growing a mustache makes you Charles Bronson.
No, some men are just greater than others. Colonel William F. Guile is one such man.
The Hero, The Beyonder
His gait is both cavalier and purposeful. It is urgency tempered with experience, He knows where he is going and the challenges he will face when he gets there but haste implies the possibility of failure. Guile only has tertiary experience with failure. His associates, friends, and loved ones transcended defeat the moment they first gazed upon his visage; their tales recounting a time before basking in his magnificence are the only evidence Guile has that failure actually exists.
The Colonel’s sense of style, like his walk, sends a similarly mixed-yet-cohesive message. Sure, he’s a military man and he dresses the part. Yet he wears his beret at a rakish angle, the way Thomas Jefferson would have if only he was comfortable enough with his sexuality to wear a beret. On the contrary, Guile’s degree of masculinity requires something as effeminate as a beret. It is a governor for his machismo, the only thing protecting the general populace from his perfectly coifed flat-top. Likewise, the only thing that stands between mankind and The Colonel’s immaculate anatomy is the military garb that adorns his Adonis-like physique. Almost certainly a uniform of his own design, it is camo patterned with a flirty blue-on-light-blue color scheme - the kind of regalia a man wears when he wants you to know that after he beats you mercilessly, he’s taking you cunt hunting and the drinks are on him.
It is Guile’s voice however that eliminates any doubt one might have as to whether or not he is a demi-god. There are many that say the voice of God is too awesome for mere mortals to comprehend or withstand. In a similar way Guile’s accent is so purely American that our ears, perversed by decades of exposure to Ebonics and New Jerseyans, distort it into something else. Although the accent we hear can best be described as “vaguely Belgian”, the dialect is in fact the President’s English in its purest form. It is the manner of speech devised by George Washington himself, an almost Enochian tongue created for the express purpose of mocking the British and bedding virgins. Many say that actions speak louder than words but Colonel William F. Guile makes no such distinction between actions and words. He only talks about things he has done, is doing or will do and he only does things he has talked about, is talking about or will talk about; it is this lack of dichotomy between actions and words that defines Guile’s life and thus defines his legacy. Therefore to relate Guile’s greatness, it is compulsory to recount the words he has spoken - the words to which his actions are so intrinsically bound.
”Troopers, I just received new orders. Our superiors say the war is cancelled. We can all go home. Bison is getting paid off for his crimes, and our friends who have died here will have died for nothing. But, we can all go home. Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom, and justice, they get packed up. But, we can all go home. Well, I'm not going home. I'm gonna get on my boat, and I'm going up river, and I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass so hard that the next Bison wannabe is gonna feel it. Now, who wants to go home... and who wants to go with me?” - Colonel William F. Guile
So shall it be spoken, so shall it be done. As is perpetually the case with Guile, those words prophesized his immediate course of action and set into motion a chain of wordactions that would culminate in his most celebrated victory.
Clarity Without Specificity
To venture into the any further particulars would be redundant. Surely any red-blooded American knows Guile’s story well. There are an infinite number of anecdotes that could be told but one still would not truly understand his gallantry until they have experienced it firsthand. What exactly makes Guile so great? The answer, like The Colonel himself, is ungraspable. Intangible. Nevertheless it is the inevitable conclusion one draws when it becomes apparent that any other verdict would be empirically false. The conclusion that is drawn when one has witnessed the divine spectacle that is Guile. To see The Colonel is to know The Colonel. Beholding his magnificence solidifies the incontrovertible fact that some men are just greater than others.
Being a lone young boy in the 'hood" is dangerous and unpleasant. This is what Max experiences when he fools a gang of local toughs who cornered him at school. The gang finds out that the key he gave them is of no value in committing a robbery, and they chase him through the streets of his neighborhood, bent on revenge. He tries to escape by slipping into the open door of an old warehouse, but they follow him there, too. While running from them through aisles filled with all kinds of stuff, he bumps into an old boom box. By doing that, he manages to release Kazaam, a genie who has been held captive for thousands of years. In order to stay free, Kazaam must give Max three wishes. From IMDB
2 Reasons This Movie Sucked
Reason #1:
Reason #2:
Snaggletooth.
Now, before I go into the minutia of why this kid sucks in the movie, I feel that it is necessary to talk about The Tooth. Seriously, what the fuck? This kid is fucking hideous. You know when you see someone who is horribly grotesque or has Down syndrome and you know you’re not supposed to stare but you do it anyway? THAT’S WHAT THIS ENTIRE MOVIE IS LIKE. But unlike when you see the cripple at Wal-Mart, you don’t have the option of walking to the next aisle over and forgetting about what you saw - this kid’s disability is mocking you for 93 minutes and there isn't a goddamn thing you can do about it. Seriously... the fuck?
Anyways, Snaggletooth plays the main character, Max. He’s your typical tweenager in a 90’s movie: long hair, sleeveless jacket, Reebok hi-tops, etc. You know the type. He’s the kind of kid that makes lame jokes and dishes out horrible insults. The kind of kid that ties jackets around his waist and says things like “I know you are, but what am I?” The kind of kid that is simultaneously the most popular and most bullied kid at his school. The kind of kid that has problems at home. You know, a 90’s kid.
The aforementioned “problems at home” consist of:
A loving and somewhat do-able mother.
A father who ran off over a decade ago because (as his mom explains to him) “sometimes things just don’t work out.”
A soon-to-be-stepfather named Travis that is a fireman and all-around nice guy.
A sweet fucking room where he gets to work on his bicycle.
Doesn’t sound all that bad right? The truth of the matter is that while the writers wanted to portray Max as a kid who had problems at home, the only real problem at home was Max. Seriously, there are numerous scenes that consist of his mom doing something super kickass like giving him glasses of orange juice or making him chocolate-chip peanut butter French toast. Max’s go-to response for such transgressions was essentially “FUCK YOU MOM, YOU FUCKING CUNT,” which was inevitably followed by Max storming off into his palace of a room and crying.
Scene Breakdown:
After one of Max’s signature Tourettes-esque outbursts there is an exchange between Max and Travis that is pretty awkwardly scripted but I feel it is the scene that best demonstrates why Max sucks so hard (skip to 4:45 in the video):
“Wow, that’s really great, you finished it!”
Now, most people would just watch this scene, take it at face value and move on. I can’t allow myself to let the intricacies of this scene go unnoticed so let me break it down for you – let me show you how this is a perfect example of how Max has no problems at home and why he is worthless as a human being.
Max’s Lack of Problems at Home
The “it” that Travis refers to in the scene is a sheet with holes cut in it that is nailed to the ceiling in order to create the illusion of a starry night in Max’s bedroom. Travis, the guy who Max thinks is a total dick, is complimenting something that Max made. How the fuck is that a troubled home life? Somehow a clean-cut fireman wanting to be your new dad and telling you that your obviously shitty craftsmanship is “really great” and you treating him as if he were some sort of serial pedophile constitutes “problems at home”. Eat a dick Max, you snaggletoothed fuck.
Max’s room is the cat’s pajamas. He gets to keep his bike in his room, he even gets to use tools to do maintenance on his bike in his room. That’s sweet no matter how you slice it. Also, did you see how much stuff he had in his room? I know I didn’t have all that shit when I was a kid and I damn sure didn’t have a lamp that turned on my ghetto blaster either. As if his room wasn’t enough, we later find out in the movie that he has an entire abandoned warehouse that he has turned into his own personal hang out. That’s right, an entire fucking warehouse.
When Max discovers the whereabouts of his biological father and essentially meets him for the first time, it turns out that his dad isn’t some sort of raging alcoholic or womanizer but a successful club owner. So his real dad is rich, his almost-stepfather is a firefighter, and his mom makes him food all the time – problems at home indeed.
Max’s Worthlessness as a Human Being
When Travis is complimenting Max’s handiwork (i.e. cutting holes in a sheet and nailing it to the ceiling) he says “you finished it”. This seems to imply not only that Max has a tendency to not finish such grand endeavors (again I am referring to cutting holes in a sheet and nailing it to the ceiling) but also that it took a decent period of time for Max to complete such an undertaking. How fucking dumb is this kid that Travis feels compelled to congratulate him on what is essentially vandalism? What exactly did the projects that Max couldn’t finish consist of? What a utopia it must be to live the life of Max Conner. Everyone talks to him in a congratulatory tone as if he has cerebral palsy and kisses his ass 24/7 despite the fact that he is a worthless piece of snaggletoothed shit.
Snaggletooth
2 Things I Liked About This Movie
Thing #1:
Thing #2:
The Point At Which Most People Would Stop Watching:
Most people won't even begin watching a movie like this. But if by some strange set of circumstances, you happen to convince a friend or significant other to watch Kazaam with you, I think I can pinpoint the moment that their tolerance of Shaq/Snaggletooth (Shaqletooth?) will reach critical mass. The moment I'm talking about comes roughly at 54:27. Watching this scene made me seriously question why I was watching this movie. Then I remembered the time I saw Rob Zombie's Halloween II and realized that I have stomached shittier movies than Kazaam and that this scene would all be over soon.
My Rating:
Look, obviously this movie isn't very good. It isn't the 100th worst movie of all time though, not by a long shot (especially on a list that doesn't include Rob Zombie's Halloween II). Sure, there are about 5 different scenes that exist solely to showcase Shaq's rapping abilities. And sure, Snaggletooth is one of the most macabre creatures I've ever seen. But was it really that bad? No. Surely this movie is only on IMDB's Bottom 100 because Shaq is in it and people like to shun what they once thought was awesome. I'm sure most of the people that gave this movie such low ratings are guys in their 20's that grew up loving this movie and now feel like they have to make up for it by constantly telling everyone how it's "the worst movie ever". It's like when people talk about how gay Pokemon is. You know you were into that shit, and the sooner you admit that, the sooner we can all go back to playing Pokemon. Fuck yeah.
The Internet Movie Database keeps a real-time list of the bottom 100 movies as voted by their users. In order for a movie to appear in the bottom 100 titles chart the movie must have received at least 1500 votes. I, Goose, have taken a snapshot of the list as it appeared on 1/4/2012 and intend to review all the movies on this list throughout the course of the year (Seth will probably get in on this as well). Actually, not all 100 movies will be reviewed. You will notice in the scrollbox below that many of the titles are ghosted out like this. That's because I have seen those movies on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I don't feel like I could possibly watch these movies and give them an unbiased review, so I will not be reviewing them. I'm going to try to start with #100 and work my way to #1, but not all of these movies are readily available to me, so I'm just gonna have to play it fast and loose on this one.
Rating Scale: In honor of the 2nd worst movie of all time (Rob Zombie's Halloween II), the rating scale will utilize jack-o-lanterns instead of stars, where one jack-o-lantern represents a movie of equal quality to Rob Zombie's Halloween II and ten jack-o-lanterns represents a movie of equal quality to Surf Ninjas. Enjoy.
Note: There will be spoilers in these reviews (as if it really matters) and I highly recommend that you watch the movies before reading the review. Afterall, misery loves company and I would like to hear your opinions on these celluloid abortions.
IMDB Rank
Movie Title
Author
Date
1.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
2.
Daniel the Wizard (2004)
3.
Manos: The Hands of Fate
4.
Dream Well (2009)
5.
Monster a-Go-Go (1965)
6.
Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966)
7.
The Skydivers (1963)
8.
Ben & Arthur (2002)
9.
The Starfighters (1964)
10.
Pledge This! (2006)
11.
Zombie Nation (2004)
12.
Little Fox 2 (2008)
13.
Ram Gopal Varma's Indian Flames (2007)
14.
Zaat (1971)
15.
Too Beautiful (2005)
16.
From Justin to Kelly (2003)
17.
The Hillz (2004)
18.
The Final Sacrifice (1990)
19.
Fat Slags (2004)
20.
Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)
21.
The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)
22.
Disaster Movie (2008)
23.
Hobgoblins (1988)
24.
Turks in Space (2006)
25.
Shark (2010)
26.
The Pod People (1983)
27.
The Apocalypse (2007)
28.
A Story About Love (1995)
29.
Yes Sir (2007)
30.
Track of the Moon Beast (1976)
31.
Who's Your Caddy? (2007)
32.
Zodiac Killer (2005)
33.
The Wold World of Batwoman (1966)
34.
Crossover (2006)
35.
Girl in Gold Boots (1968)
36.
The Creeping Terror (1964)
37.
Space Mutiny (1988)
38.
The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)
39.
Die Hard Dracula (1998)
40.
The Tony Blair Witch Project (2000)
41.
Keloglan vs. the Black Prince (2006)
42.
Going Overboard (1989)
43.
The Blade Master (1984)
44.
The Maize: The Movie (2004)
45.
The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek, Part II (1985)
46.
Prince of Space (1959)
47.
The Pumaman (1980)
48.
Danes Without a Clue (1997)
49.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
50.
Glitter (2001)
51.
Soultaker (1990)
52.
Surf School (2006)
53.
House of the Dead (2003)
54.
Tangents (1994)
55.
Son of the Mask (2005)
56.
Anne B. Real (2003)
57.
Eegah (1962)
58.
Popstar (2005)
59.
Santa Claus (1959)
60.
Leonard Part 6 (1987)
61.
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)
